Goodbye Cruel World – Hello Sweet Rapture!

Souls Lining Up After The Rapture?


part one

GETTING ON THAT HEAVENLY HIGHWAY

Tom Evans, media representative of Family Stations Inc. recently said:

“All the signs that Jesus warned of in the Bible that would precede his return have taken place, and are evident in our world. For example, the re-establishment of the nation of Israel; (He’s assuming the tract-switch treaty will work out – I guess) – the complete decay of the church; (except his of course) ; the dismal state of our world; and the moral breakdown of all society.”

According to FSI’s President and G.M., Radio Broadcast Pastor Harold Camping (85) the Rapture will occur without fail tomorrow May 21, 2011 at about 6 p.m.  “I know, eerie isn’t it” – mostly because Harold says that the Rapture (we’ll get into the “End of Days Events” in a minute for those of you who aren’t familiar with it) will follow – 5 month’s later – on the 21st of October. “POOF”! THE END OF THE WORLD (and this – my last chance to use all caps). Don’t overlook that this is a two part event adding to the righteous retribution – horrific suffering – of the wicked. (“Gulp! “is that you and me”)?

Note* The Mayans and David are not in synch on this one, with them predicting the end of the world, (or maybe just their calendar) for December 21st, 2012. But “take a lookie har”- they both agree on the day of the month (21st) and an approximate time (not zone)…about 6 p.m. “That thar is right uncanny”!

A couple of teensy problems here with David’s soothsaying prophesy – see, David tried to do this before in 1994 and well, “we’re still here aren’t we”. The other – David constructed his own personal method of evaluating scripture with some numerical chapter and verse equation that makes perfect sense – to him – cause he’s the only one privy to the formula). He crunched the numbers based upon his Civil Engineering background, (Hey! He’s worth some 27 Million dollars – enough to make even Satan raise an eyebrow over that valuable spiritual property).

Another problem – Seems that a lot of “other” churches don’t agree with David. American Atheists, ( the Non-Church Congregation) plans to hold parties in several states to celebrate what they are calling:

“another Rapture that wasn’t.” (Good thing, cause they’re all gonna’ be huggin’ dirt in the rotting position huh…yeah!)

But don’t trust me, take it from David on this little Video Clip from You-Tube which should shake the confidence of His lord bake into you:

* You’ll have to cut and paste that. WordPress is having cramps,……..again. I’m cutting them some grace cause it’s the end of the world – and because they’re free :).

The Seventh-day Adventist Church is certain Jesus is coming again…and sooner than later. But their understanding of clear Bible teachings on this topic is that the complete fulfillment of most lines of its prophecy, together with the present conditions of the world, indicate His coming is imminent but they don’t know the exact date.

Note* According to the Pew Center for the People and the Press, 41 percent of Americans believe Jesus Christ will return to Earth by 2050, so the schedule still has lots of latitude – ‘but he’s a comin”! We all know the Pew Research center is completely reliable on such matters,….mostly, because its a Republican Conservative Issue. They’ve found it in the Constitution.

Here’s how it’s going down – “from everything ‘we’ know” (uhhh – I think David is referring to himself using the royal pronoun form) the show get’s going with a huge earthquake (like 200 times Japan and subsequent Tsunami). We’re talking some serious tectonic plate bucklin’ and-a-shiftin’. Now… make sure you get this part right. The whole purpose of the Earthquake is to bring about eruption of all graves. That will bubble-up every coffin and bone (innards and clothing remains included) of anyone who died within the past 13,000 years. As Dave Barry would say: “You cannot make this stuff up”!

Now… all those who died as true believers (meaning they’ve made a contribution to Pastor’s Radio Show or www.GODonline.org, will be resurrected in spiritual being form. Then they will “meet Christ “in the air” (which as we all know is somewhere in the sky).

Needless to say, the skies are going to be extremely busy on all routes to heaven, leaving the potential for spiritual road rage totally certain so “eyes front”.  From what David has discerned from the bible, (this is his biggest talent other than raising money, having given-up Civil Engineering except for crunching prophecy numbers) there will be about 200 million spirits to be saved — BUTT —- the number of people that have lived on the earth (scientifically speaking) is from 110 – 135 b-b-b-bilion! Dave tells us that their non-believin’ “guts-bones and bodies” will be thrown out upon the ground like manure (his words). This will pale all horror movies of all times in one cataclysmic, one-time-only release with no copies (especially pirate).

Note* For those who have selected cremation as a final plan having their ashes scattered, it seems reasonably predictable that the embarrassment, horror, mess and odor of non-believer-ship will exclude them – do to logistics. (Don’t bother to change your plans, this is tomorrow, remember)?

That’s 100 Billion corpses piled on the ground. (I’m already having trouble because I thought the Christians believed the world was made in 7 days, 5,000 years ago when man’s best friend was a dinosaur or dogasaur.

(Don’t laugh at me – they got “early bible hys-terical exhibits bein’ erected raaght now in Tennessee and the like”)!  You can ask Mike Huckabee!

PART TWO

THE TOTALLY HORRIFIC AND UN-WONDERFUL END OF THE WORLD

“I know – ‘whaddya’ mean we have to wait five months for the EOTW”? It seems simple. I replicated David’s Civil Engineer logic to justify my conclusions for you, my faithful and faithless readers (not judgin’ – just sayin, eh?) First – It took God 7 days to make the world, (that’s miraculous even in Civil Engineering calculus) so he rested on the 7th Day – a lot – (which is good, because I’m a HUGE fan of resting – amen). Of course resurrecting 200,000 souls and meeting them in the sky, then cutting the path off to heaven, combined with just having popped-up the tombs of all those that have lived (remember we calculated that at about 200-300 Billion) means you’d have to take a near “eternal rest’ to get ready for the destruction of the universe by fire. It takes a lot of spiritual fuel to pull that off… even for God and he never runs out like Exxon/Mobil or Bp.

Okay I hope you’re getting ALL of this. First the Rapture earthquake throws all the graves open and the worthy float to meet Christ in the sky, (I know, cool)! BUTT – the unworthy are tossed upon the ground in shame and begin rotting immediately (this is worse than the rotting they have been doing for the last 14,000 years – they may have been refreshed to Rot Stage 1 to enhance suffering – and it doesn’t take a Civil Engineering to figure that part out) still with me? Okay – then the world that is left is all “horror and chaos beyond description” so enough said about that. You CAN’T use words…it’s beyond description………..fine. Just think of the worst thing you can and then use the square root of Pi as the exponential factor.

Now each day until October 21st, people will die, (sorry, no daily numbers on that) but those that live until October will sure wish they had – cause it just gets worse. God is definitely expressing  a resentment and is “NOT HAPPY,” but since he is God, it’s just and righteous………….okay? (See Old Testament – and we do mean OLD).  If you wanted peace, love and joy you should’ve gotten with it earlier – before the eternal contract “late payment” date.

Okay, I know this is taking a long time but it’s the end of the world (by the way – using my watch we’ve got about 1.5 hours left so maybe not as much proof-reading as usual…..m’kay?

Even after we’re consumed in fire (it’s always fire – always fire – why can’t it be implosion into the Black Hole – kind of like a reverse “BIG BANG”) .

Doesn’t matter if that’s a good idea, God is NOT negotiable on this stuff. There IS Good News (Okay, the All Caps thing is habit forming – I’ll try to watch the obsession potential).  Harold and Family Stations will still be offering their protective Sage for burning, EOTW souvenir T-Shirts, ball caps, berrets and cups with themes like “Shit! I Got Left to Rot”,  “Can I Apply For A Rapture Extension”?

But if you are a Bible Scholar and this money exploiting psych-vomit radio prostitution scares you, take comfort in the actual words of the bible:

“Watch  therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour in wherein the Son of man comes. “ Matthew 25:13

There is a light cloud cover here in the PNW at 2:30, the ground is steady, people are mowing their lawns and playing in nature’s joy. You see, we are all children of our Mother – The Earth – and that is enough, having been so for over 500 Million years, or more. Who knows?  I live in the comfortable qwest to find contentment: the simple joy in a life of recovery – It’s a one time shot – One Day at a Time. I’m going for Chinese food | I’m eating light cause I’m gonna load up on “Man-ah” from Heaven :).

Okay one more presentation from You-Tube (thanks again) on the Biblical refute to Pastor Camping and the scare tactics of the ridiculous “Left Behind” Rapture-eestas, they’re probably all Conservative Republicans.

*you’ll have to cut and paste this U-Tube Link – WordPress has cramps, again.

And of course a “PLUG” for the book:

****If you enjoyed the blog, take a look at the book****

http://www.livingtwelvestepsrecovery.com/index.html
which is also available at Amazon KINDLE:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004V0CHY2

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